It’s time to pass Billy goat legislation

By F. J. Tamel

Government Regulation Beginning to Show its Ugly Face

ImageEconomic concerns are driving the government to take over America’s ailing auto industry. It won’t be long before you can’t buy the auto or truck that you really want if it doesn’t run on a battery. Global warming fanatics in Congress have mandated that everyone in America use those curly, mercury-filled, not-enough-light-to-read-by bulbs. The Cap and Trade scheme, if passed, will rise everyone’s heating and electric bills. A 10% blend of Ethanol and gasoline, which lowers gasoline mileage on cars and pollutes more than unblended gasoline, has been destroying marine and small engines at an alarming rate. And still the government wants to increase the Ethanol in gas to 25%.

I don’t think that global warming is happening. But if it is, it probably isn’t caused by human activity and nothing we can do will stop it. I don’t have a solution to the auto industry’s woes and, other than stocking up on incandescent light bulbs for the next twenty or so years, those silly curly no-light bulbs are inevitable. But I do have a way to combat the damage that Ethanol is doing to my lawnmower’s engine and at the same time reduce the amount of air and noise pollution that comes with lawn mowing. I want to dump my gas-powered mower and replace it with an eco-friendly grass-powered one. I want a goat.

Regulating Billy Goats?

Recently the City of South Milwaukee forced a family to get rid of their pet goat in the belief that goats belong exclusively on farms. That doesn’t make sense. South Milwaukee, and every other progressive thinking community, should relegate dogs to farms and make laws that require families to keep goats as pets.

Goats are almost as smart as dogs. I suspect that most goats think that they are dogs except they don’t sniff crotches. Goats can live outdoors or, when necessary, in confined spaces just about anywhere. And they’ll never jump a fence to run off for a liaison with their fellow goats. Owners don’t have to keep a case of Baggies on hand for picking up goat droppings. Goats don’t have to be walked, and they are fantastic mowers.

Unlike cattle, that pull grasses out by the roots, goats merely shorten the grasses that they consume, providing a nice, even cut. Goats spread nutrients onto the grass as they mow. And they don’t need gasoline for fuel. In fact, you can fuel a goat with almost anything except gasoline. There will be no more separating recyclables from our trash. Show me a dog that can eat aluminum cans.

Those are just a few of the reasons why municipalities should encourage goat ownership.

Police Departments won’t have to deal with barking goat complaints. Goats provide better home protection than most dogs. Burglars will have incentive to change their ways after being head butted a time or two.

Goats provide warmth. If people have a problem with high home heating costs, they can get an angora goat, knit nice warm sweaters from the goat’s hair, and lower the thermostat. In extreme cold, the entire family can cuddle with the goat.

Want to plant a garden? There are few better fertilizer-producing machines than a goat, and they willingly consume weeds.

Forget the early morning emergency runs to Quick Trip for the children’s breakfast milk. Goat’s milk is exceptionally nutritious and, at over two dollars per gallon for cow’s milk, quite a bargain. Goat cheese is a delicious staple for many cultures worldwide.

And best of all, when the goat stops performing its duties, you can eat it.

Yep, Wisconsin needs to pass Billy Goat legislation. I kid you not.

Frank J. Tamel is a contributing writer for the political section

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